"It's times like these I wish I had a dead monkey stapled to my head."
"No me toces en el bano con la zanahoria de muerte!"
"I don't think spontaneous urination should be grounds for disqualification in weight lifting contest."
"I would've been President but my dog came out of the closet on the Jerry Springer show, ruined my chances."
"If stupidity was a sign of intelligence I would be the smartest man alive."
"It smells like red Jello in here."
"Zen is drop kicking my traditional Protestant values and work ethic."
"I wanna be an Airborne Ranger, live a life of constant danger."
"I played AAA ball in my youth...or was I a member of 4th Armor Division? Well in any case, one of those two."
"The real bunny is nicey...the fake bunny is meanie."
"And remember kids, when purchasing watermelon always remember to get the watermelons that have not been turned into homes for birds, rodents, or very small buffalo."
"My drug of choice is self-pity."
"Biochemically love is no different from eating a whole bunch of chocolate."